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The Familiar Pool

And here I am

back in this familiar place

of sadness, emptiness, worthlessness

All of my imperfections glowing brightly

Electric eels gliding through the darkness

Effortless reminders of all that I am not

Here I am

Having set about the road of my purpose

Having made an impact

Having created new life

Having found passion

Having put it to work

Having shown up to life the way they tell you to ....the sages, the artists, the gurus, the philosophers

Having colored outside the lines

Having rid myself of most worldly possessions

Having rejected norms

Having stood up to monuments of injustice

Having done the work of authenticity

And yet here I am

Swimming with the eels

In this all too familiar pool

I do not know what I am doing

Today I do not have hope that things will be ok

There is so much possibility and yet finding it today feels like too much work

There is no explanation for this

I have only been mildly hurt by others, by the world

I know love

I don't know security

I never feel safe

There is no reason

Though I know we aren't supposed to compare pain

I have always felt kinship with the loneliness of being alive

The deep, sullen, complex certainty that so little of what we value,

and strangle our spirits over,

matters even the tiniest fraction

But the most important truths are those that can be seen only in silence

Upon allowing the pain

Upon accepting the uncertainty

and the innate terror that comes from being this tightly woven collection of cells

desperately trying to make meaning from the chaos

The meaning is that there is only chaos

And we are charged not to make meaning out of it

but to find peace within it

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