The Familiar Pool

And here I am
back in this familiar place
of sadness, emptiness, worthlessness
All of my imperfections glowing brightly
Electric eels gliding through the darkness
Effortless reminders of all that I am not
Here I am
Having set about the road of my purpose
Having made an impact
Having created new life
Having found passion
Having put it to work
Having shown up to life the way they tell you to ....the sages, the artists, the gurus, the philosophers
Having colored outside the lines
Having rid myself of most worldly possessions
Having rejected norms
Having stood up to monuments of injustice
Having done the work of authenticity
And yet here I am
Swimming with the eels
In this all too familiar pool
I do not know what I am doing
Today I do not have hope that things will be ok
There is so much possibility and yet finding it today feels like too much work
There is no explanation for this
I have only been mildly hurt by others, by the world
I know love
I don't know security
I never feel safe
There is no reason
Though I know we aren't supposed to compare pain
I have always felt kinship with the loneliness of being alive
The deep, sullen, complex certainty that so little of what we value,
and strangle our spirits over,
matters even the tiniest fraction
But the most important truths are those that can be seen only in silence
Upon allowing the pain
Upon accepting the uncertainty
and the innate terror that comes from being this tightly woven collection of cells
desperately trying to make meaning from the chaos
The meaning is that there is only chaos
And we are charged not to make meaning out of it
but to find peace within it